I’m not a writer, I’ve never kept a diary to speak of, I don’t journal and never in a million years would I have thought that I would have a blog! I’m horrible at spelling, have a hard time finishing one thought before I start another and have only minimal knowledge of proper grammar. However, with who I am and what I’ve been through in my life and what I’m going through and what I have yet to go through, (and because my surgeon asked me to share my story and help others). Because I’m finding peace and comfort in sharing with others three-fold; it helps me to get my thoughts out of my head, it has brought friends into my life who have similar stories and I’ve been able to help others, (my biggest joy), and I’ve also been helped and benefitted from those who have trusted me with their stories and shown their love and support for me.
Sometimes I feel like I need to write an entry, but then I sit here like I am today, and stare at the screen and have so many things going through my head, but I just don’t know where to start.
Chronic Illnesses, or whatever labels you put on them or call them, are all isolating in their own right. Also coming with their own sets of circumstances and what I like to refer to as side effects. If I can write something down that can reach one person, so they can say, ‘Hey! Me too!’ or, ‘Yes! I get it, I feel that way too!’ or, ‘I’m not alone! Someone else understands!’ Then I feel that putting myself out there, raw, real and exposed is all worth it.
In my short time of posting or writing about my Chronic Illnesses, Trigeminal Neuralgia and Fibromyalgia, I’ve heard a few stories that people have trusted me with because of it. It feels so good to know that I have people who I can reach out to and that can also reach out to me and feel like we’re a little less alone in our own personal battles with our own specific illnesses. It’s not our specific illnesses that draw us together so much as our comradery in our very similar side effects of suffering a chronic illness, the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual.
You’ll have to forgive me with this entry, as I sit here trying to write it, I am struggling with my pain. And when my pain goes up my ability to concentrate and finish complete thoughts goes drastically down. Sometimes, a lot of the times, I can’t even speak simple words that are floating around in my brain, but just wont come out of my mouth! It’s so frustrating and if you’re trying to have a conversation with someone, it’s also embarrassing! Something I do to decrease my embarrassment is to just say, “I’m sorry, I’m having a typical, (or whatever you’re experiencing that day), pain day today and it really affects my ability to get out the words I’m trying to say. I call it ‘pain fog’!” And then I laugh a second at myself. And what I’ve found is that it cuts the tension between you and who ever you’re talking to, and they will usually laugh and say, ‘oh my gosh, I get that too sometimes and I don’t have an excuse’ or something like that and then the pressure you feel is also gone, so that clears your brain a little too!
I have more to say, but I need to sign off for now. The pain and exhaustion from constantly being in pain is winning at the moment.
I will be back!
4 thoughts on “Sometimes I Don’t Know Where To Start”
Sara – just a note to let you know I’ve read this. I think it’s a good thing you are blogging your story for all the reasons you stated. I cannot fully understand what you go and are going through, but I can listen, read what you express and pray for you. Love Dad.
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Thank you Daddy! I love you!
Love you, keep writing!
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I love you too!